going through the motions...

I couldn't think of a title for this blog.  Someone (won't say who ;) ) told me that I should blog more.  I find this somewhat difficult since I don't usually have anything profound to say.  My entire goal for this blog was to archive my journey and to keep my attitude positive. 

For the past week I have pretty much been reading, resting, and relaxing.  The 3 R's of summer.  Unfortunately this was not the the way I had imagined my summer break  (I could also add running to the restroom too... :o.)  So if you don't want any TMI don't read. ;)  After 5 days of clear liquids I am allowed to add a few foods into my liquid diet.  I spoke with my Onc's nurse and he wants me to have my Colonscopy at Huntsman.  SO now I just have to figure out how to fit it in around a schedule with someone to travel with me.  FOR those of you who have had them, I am not looking forward to the prep involved and the 3 hour drive to SLC.  I hope in my head I have imagined it to be far worse than it actually is.  I am NOW a fan of people with colon cancer.  This has been quite uncomfortable, I cannot even imagine having to do this on a long term basis.  This is not what I had planned for our summer vacation.  We were planning to go to Montana on the 5th.  Kind of sad since that will not happen now.

It is kind of interesting how our trials make us grateful for what we do have.  I am grateful that I just have Leukemia.  I am also grateful that this is my journey and not my children's.  I am also learning that someone else's struggles can be far worse than mine.  I have made a friend online whose daughter was fighting CML.  Her story particularly hit a chord with me as her daughter loved art.  On Saturday her daughter lost her fight.  She was just barely 16.  I feel so sad for her loss and what she has had to endure, and for the heartache of losing a child.

The only thing that I do know is that we are on this path for a reason.  Sometimes the path is pretty bumpy.  Yesterday as I felt pretty icky, some old movie or cartoon popped into my head.  The one where the good guy is put in a cage and the room is slowly filling with water (I really think I saw that in an old batman episode, circa 1978ish.)  Well that is kind of what cancer is like.  I feel like I am slowly sent to my demise.  In all honesty, I hate that I feel that way.  I try mostly to be positive, but in the end, that will be my reality.  Its a pretty deep subject and most people rarely think of this, until they are faced with a life changing experience.  I try not think of that, but learning you have cancer, living with cancer, or fighting cancer, it seems to always stay somewhere in the back of my mind.  I try to keep it there, but once in a while it merges forward rearing its ugly head.

The only way I can cope with this, is to know what my purpose on this earth is and to try to give it to God as much as I can.  I don't have a choice in this matter and other than taking care of myself, taking care of my family, and serving others, there is not much else to do.  I just keep plugging away.  Some days are better than others, some have tears, but mostly a lot of laughter!

In loving memory of Nayree 7-16-95--7-23-11, may you continue to paint with the angels!