A bump in the road

Some days I think I am Super Woman.  I forge on ahead not giving Leukemia a second thought.  Then there are days where I am knocked down a notch or two.  This past week has been a chore.  I kept my "game face" on, but I have had a major bout of fatigue, nausea, and headaches.  I feel like a failure when I complain, but trying to look like I feel good is a major chore.  It seems like everyone I run into tells me how good I look.  REALLY?  I feel like a ginormous dog turd..but okay then...  BUT my highlight of the week was when ran into someone and she was asking about how I was doing and what my symptoms were and what the chemo/treatment is doing to me.  I was explaining what ordeal I have gone through, still sugar coating it, because the reality is sometimes devastating.  Another person in the room who knows my family says "OH really I didn't know you were that sick?"... I had to choke on my laugh..  YEP I am sick its called Cancer..DUH  Which makes me think...What is a person with Cancer supposed to look like?  I have spent many an hour in the waiting room as one by one Cancer patients are called back for blood-work and to see their doctors.  In all reality the majority of them look healthy. 

So this morning, after looking at a pile of hair on the bathroom floor I decided to go for it and shave my head... WELL not really.  Luckily my hairdresser Angie is looking out for me and refused to shave me bald.  It does bring a huge question to my mind...HOW long with the hair loss last?  I am told that most of my  hair will not fall out, but seriously I feel like I have lost half of it already.  Not that this would even make sense but my head/scalp hurts.  I cannot explain the pain, but its just this annoying pain.  It sort of feels like a huge bruise that when you touch it, its sore and tender. 

OH, did I mention that if its not falling out its going white...NOT just a pretty silvery gray...but pure white.  So not only am I losing my hair, what I get to keep is white.  My son even commented the other day asking what the heck happened to my eyebrows and also forbade me to NOT be like those creepy ladies who draws theirs in.  In addition, I am getting a funky rash again.  NOT gonna complain about this one little bit.  If you know me well then you have heard about my lovely Gleevec rash, or should I say horrible hives!  So this little speckling I will gladly take over the hives.  Just a little shocked that after 3 months on the Sprycel, I still have crappy side effects that my Oncologist says will not go away ever...woo hoo I get to look forward to feeling crappy forever..  Seriously though, I have to look on the bright side.  It could be worse..  SO I put on my happy socks and keep smiling...NOTHING else I can do to fix it, so I just have to embrace it!

I am really truly grateful for my million dollar pill.  Albeit the side effects are crappy, I get to live!  Yep its a crappy chemical and I am pretty sure that down the road some part of my body will fail due to it, but as for the CML, this bio-hazardous waste is going to keep me alive. (stolen from my friend Michelle ;)

The Joy is in the Journey

My entire life I have heard that nothing comes easy.  I have also heard that there is joy in the journey.  Now one would think that Leukemia would be a horrible thing (it is) and being diagnosed with it would be the end.  Well its not. Not right now anyway.  Nobody really knows what the end is.  I have been praised that I am so strong.  THAT for sure I can tell you I am not.  However the one thing I have been greatly blessed with is faith.  I know that no matter what happens, how the chips will fall, I will be okay.  NOT because I am strong.  Because I know who I am, I know where I came from, and I know that I am well taken care of! 

I want to share a few little stories about this journey.  As I sat waiting in the waiting room for Clinic A at Huntsman engrossed in my book, I was interrupted by a Happy Easter.  As I looked up from my book it was all I could do to not break out in hysterical laughter.  In front of me stood a man I would say in his early to mid 30's.  He was wearing a pink satin bustier and bunny ears carrying a basket of candy.  The interesting thing is that he was on infusion.  Infusion is the fancy word that we all in the world of cancer know as basically hooked up to an IV pole with Chemo which for most is a 4 hour a day ordeal.  As he walked around the waiting room wishing others happy Easter, toting his iv pole, the entire mood was lifted.  We were enclosed by glass windows where outside it was stormy, gray, and snowing.  Instantly this man brought sunshine.  I watched him as patients asked him to pose for pictures, others shook his hand, nurses commented and all I could think is there is a man who is definitely making lemonade out of lemons.  After he made his rounds he came over to talk to me.  I commented how amazing he was.  We chatted for a while where he told me of his 3 year battle against colon cancer.  He said that he couldn't just sit around he had to do something.  In making himself feel better, he was adding a ray on sunshine to others.

As I sat in Stake Conference on Sunday a speaker said.."Happiness is a state of mind, it is something that we choose."

The journey is rough and bumpy there are a lot of dark horrid clouds hanging over.  My new 'instant happy" are fun socks.  HOW can you have a bad day when you start it out with something fun, bright, and happy?