A bump in the road

Some days I think I am Super Woman.  I forge on ahead not giving Leukemia a second thought.  Then there are days where I am knocked down a notch or two.  This past week has been a chore.  I kept my "game face" on, but I have had a major bout of fatigue, nausea, and headaches.  I feel like a failure when I complain, but trying to look like I feel good is a major chore.  It seems like everyone I run into tells me how good I look.  REALLY?  I feel like a ginormous dog turd..but okay then...  BUT my highlight of the week was when ran into someone and she was asking about how I was doing and what my symptoms were and what the chemo/treatment is doing to me.  I was explaining what ordeal I have gone through, still sugar coating it, because the reality is sometimes devastating.  Another person in the room who knows my family says "OH really I didn't know you were that sick?"... I had to choke on my laugh..  YEP I am sick its called Cancer..DUH  Which makes me think...What is a person with Cancer supposed to look like?  I have spent many an hour in the waiting room as one by one Cancer patients are called back for blood-work and to see their doctors.  In all reality the majority of them look healthy. 

So this morning, after looking at a pile of hair on the bathroom floor I decided to go for it and shave my head... WELL not really.  Luckily my hairdresser Angie is looking out for me and refused to shave me bald.  It does bring a huge question to my mind...HOW long with the hair loss last?  I am told that most of my  hair will not fall out, but seriously I feel like I have lost half of it already.  Not that this would even make sense but my head/scalp hurts.  I cannot explain the pain, but its just this annoying pain.  It sort of feels like a huge bruise that when you touch it, its sore and tender. 

OH, did I mention that if its not falling out its going white...NOT just a pretty silvery gray...but pure white.  So not only am I losing my hair, what I get to keep is white.  My son even commented the other day asking what the heck happened to my eyebrows and also forbade me to NOT be like those creepy ladies who draws theirs in.  In addition, I am getting a funky rash again.  NOT gonna complain about this one little bit.  If you know me well then you have heard about my lovely Gleevec rash, or should I say horrible hives!  So this little speckling I will gladly take over the hives.  Just a little shocked that after 3 months on the Sprycel, I still have crappy side effects that my Oncologist says will not go away ever...woo hoo I get to look forward to feeling crappy forever..  Seriously though, I have to look on the bright side.  It could be worse..  SO I put on my happy socks and keep smiling...NOTHING else I can do to fix it, so I just have to embrace it!

I am really truly grateful for my million dollar pill.  Albeit the side effects are crappy, I get to live!  Yep its a crappy chemical and I am pretty sure that down the road some part of my body will fail due to it, but as for the CML, this bio-hazardous waste is going to keep me alive. (stolen from my friend Michelle ;)