Taking it as it comes...

Its been a very long time since I have blogged.  This has been a tough battle.  I figured after a few months on the chemo I would be all better and life would return to normal.  Well, it really hasn't.  My doctors tell me that about 1/4 of CML patients do not tolerate the available treatments, and I seem to be in that category.  I kind of took a back hill slide.  I was told by my Doc. at CTCA that I have a terminal illness and just enjoy my life with the new treatment available to prolong my life.  I look at each day a gift.  Had this been 2001, one year after diagnosis, I would more than likely be going on hospice.  Today I am alive.  I suffer from a myriad of side effects as well as having an auto immune disorder, which I was recently told is attacking my immune system because my Chemotherapy is an immuno-suppressant. INSPITE all of that, I KEEP FIGHTING! I am going to live and enjoy each day to the fullest!

I can dwell on my discomforts, whine about my side effects, (don't get me wrong, I do my fair share of complaining) and be depressed at my decline in health.  Some days, its difficult to get out of bed.  If I have to go to a Doctors appointment, run an errand, keep up with the house, or anything other than resting, its very taxing on me, but I cannot roll over an play dead.  I just do what I can and leave the rest. 

I am NOT alone in this journey.  I have an amazing support system.  I have a group of amazing ladies that I call my "Cancer Posse."  One in particular is fighting this crappy battle along with me.  She possesses more grace and dignity and an amazing attitude than I have ever seen in a "well" person.  I have also been so blessed to have a new family of "cml'ers" who share my struggles, share our triumph's, and are always willing to play the amazing game of "who has this side effect!"  Unfortunately our prize is a healthy dose of a TKI.  I also have been blessed to share in this journey with one amazing chick who I think God somehow cloned another feisty red-headed teacher and mom of boys who coincidentally share a diagnosis date with.  All of these people are new to my life due to CML.  Its so amazing to have these people who just "understand" this rocky road.

In addition to the new people in my life, I have been blessed with amazing people (family and friends) who offer to help me whenever I need it.  My awesome boss has shown so much support and compassion through this struggle.  I have a loving, hard-working, and ever positive husband who always keeps my spirits up.  He also gives me a bunch of razzing over my thinning and almost completely now gray hair.  He loves to poke fun of my night sweats and tell me its just because I am an old lady going through menopause.  But, he rubs my back, gets me drinks, scratches my head when it drives me nuts, and is the most wonderful caretaker ever.  I have 3 wonderful kids who do an abundance of chores, eat cereal, mac and cheese, and ramen.  They never complain about cooking for themselves!  I have a sweet teenage girl who brings me flowers, naps on my couch or lays down alongside me to visit and cheer me up, she always puts a smile on my face!  I have and abundance of amazing  family, friends, co-workers, and church members who pray for me constantly, offer encouragement, and would do and give anything I need.

I think of the new Martina McBride song.  Yes its about a lady suffering from Breast Cancer...But I apply it to me, because I have a myriad of angels on this earth who constantly "love me through it."

Yes this battle is crappy.  I have an unstable immune system, suffer daily from debilitating side effects. I have exhausted two of the three treatments and showing intolerance for the third.  In a recent letter summing up my illness and prognosis, my doctor states that "Jamie's long term chemotherapy suppresses her immune system potentially putting her at risk for various communicable diseases.  Due to her suppressed immune system and suffering from frequent infections, migraine headaches, bone pain, gastrointestinal complication, and extreme fatigue, there is a decrease in her quality of life.  At this time Chronic Myelogenous Leukemia that is intolerant to medication is deemed untreatable and is terminal.  I believe unfortunately, this is the direction of Mrs. Toftum."

So thats kind of grim, but I am gonna keep on fighting through the crappy days.  So what if my house is a wreck, or I have to take a nap to get enough energy to drive my kids to various events.  Yes my kids complain about my embarrassing mask I have to wear in public..but first and foremost I have today.  I am alive today.  The cancer cells are mostly suppressed and have not begun to grow! 

I have so many wonderful people that bless and enrich my life and "love me through" this!  God bless you all for your love and support!